When I was 16,17,18 and all those other numbers with a ‘teen’ in the end, I thought ‘when I will be in my 20s, I will be an adult.’ I will be a mature woman, who will know what she is capable of and what she wants from life. I thought I will be able to fully appreciate myself and those around me. I thought I will be a young woman who can finally be more decisive, strong and resistant to changes of the external world. Today, I am 23. And…guess what? I still feel myself like a teenager, I still want to enjoy the spontaneous walks and talks all night long, be light, effortless and naive. And every birthday, I am thinking ‘okay, when I will finally grow up?’. I should say, those things are quite disappointing when you realise that you are not changing much and you are still the same girl as you were before. This year, after being more reflective about myself and about my life, in general, I have realised, that is not true for me anymore. I have changed.
This year, something ‘clicked’ in my head and everything fell into place. I have changed dramatically. My life experiences changed my personality in so many ways and so many directions, that I can finally say, that I am changing and definitely in a good way. I have no idea, why I am writing this in English, as opposed to Russian which supposed to be the easiest way to express my feelings and thoughts. Well, I guess, that is just one more confirmation of my change. I have had numerous challenges in all the areas of my life for the past five years starting from my uni /career life to the personal. I did numerous mistakes, but I learnt from it. I have had losses and gains. I have had the moments of complete happiness and the moments of deep and miserable misunderstanding of myself and the world around me. However, the best thing is that now I can wisely reflect on my past and understand how much I have transformed. I started to appreciate the small and simple things around me. I began to value moments as opposed to things. I have coped with numerous internal fears and harmful, restraining attitudes influencing my life in so many different ways.
I wish I had an opportunity to tell the things I know now, to my younger self. I would probably say the following. Be brave enough, to believe in your uniqueness and limit the influence of those around you. Appreciate the sun in the sky, the smell of fresh coffee in the morning and the sincere smile of your closest friend. Spend more time with your family, and this is fundamental. When you grew older you finally start to recognize they can understand you and most probably, they were right in everything they were saying to you before! Love yourself and realise that the only person you should compare to and compete with is who you were yesterday. Believe in your dreams and visualise it in details and they will come true! I cannot even stress the importance of it, but this is so true! Once you realise what or who you actually want, you will have it! Do not allow people to judge you. Stop caring what people think about you because they do not think about you! Take responsibility for your actions. Do not be afraid to let things and people go, because the world is endless and full of new and bright opportunities which always come when something old is gone. Stop having too big expectations regarding people, things or events and you will never end up disappointed. Open your heart and mind to new experiences and build up useful habits. Stop overthinking and start feeling. Fill your days with life, instead of filling your life with days, stop caring about irrelevant things. Be spontaneous and allow yourself to do, what you want to do at this particular moment, because that is what brings you the real joy and understanding of what is important. And….bring lots of love to the world and you will receive even more in return.
P.S. I have found myself, where I got lost and that is the moment of truthful happiness.